The Pressures Of Marriage In Asian/Desi Families

Todays post is a bit different to my normal beauty related posts, but it is something that i have been going through for many years and have a feeling there are girls in similar situations!

I think when we all get to a certain age, marriage and babies seem to be a thing of the norm and it’s kinda like a domino effect, when one gets married, everyone else does too! I'm going to be 29 in a few months and in the eyes of Asians, I'm a very old person to get married!

Now times have changed from when our mothers and grandmothers got married because in the 70’s and 80’s Asian women weren’t really encouraged to study and pursue a career, more so you were taught skills that will take you from your fathers house to your husbands house.

Nowadays a lot of women especially within the Asian community are going to university, having careers and sometimes it isn’t a priority to get married when you are very young.

For me being born and bred in this country, i have had endless amounts of opportunities which i want to grab with both hands because these are things that weren’t offered to our mothers or didn’t seem important to them at the time.

People seem to forget that my priorities aren’t the same as the previous generation and that being educated, getting a good job, travelling and life experience will serve me well into my adult life. Yes, i know how to cook and do all the domestic things but why is it seen as so important for women to get married by a certain age?

I know that within the western culture, some women may not feel the need to get married until they are into their 30’s. I have noticed with Asians, as soon as you have finished a degree, you are expected to possibly work for a little while and then get married. Do people not understand that we can’t just make a husband appear out of no where?!

Of course i am feeling the pressure! When i was in my early 20’s, i thought i would be married by maybe 25, and then have kids a couple of years on but clearly that plan has gone out the window!

Women nowadays have to deal with so much pressure, whether it's doing well at university, getting that dream job, then also finding the ideal partner, so you can have your kids done and dusted by the time your in your 30's. It’s a lot of pressure to put on women!

I personally have faced so much pressure because one by one you see your cousins, friends, etc, all getting married and starting families. Sometimes you feel as if you are frozen in time because things haven’t progressed. I have learnt after so many years that progression comes in different forms. As some of you may know i took a year out and went travelling around Asia and central America and then also spent a year living in Argentina and Spain. These were experiences i will never forget and sometimes i look back and think, if i had been married, i never would have had the chance to do that.

These past experiences have made me the woman i am today because i learnt so much about myself. I had to adapt to my surroundings and learn how to live within a new culture and society.

I am not disrespecting any woman who is married or got married at an early stage because that is your individual choice. I feel that for the women out there who aren’t married and regardless of what age they are, the pressures we face are undeniable.

The funny thing is the most amount of pressure we get is from close family members and i find myself putting that pressure on me. Everywhere i go people would always comment why i’m not married and again you’re made to feel bad for something that you’re not at fault for?

To the elders out there, stop putting pressure on your children regardless of what age they are! They have enough to deal with, as things have changed since your time.

There is no right or wrong age to get married and me being an Asian and being Muslim, sometimes i feel as though elders use that as a sort of excuse. Is there a rule that says you have to be wed by your 25^th birthday?!

I think what elders forget is that life itself has changed....us women want to have careers and no offence, it wasn’t number 1 on my list to get married........marriage comes with a huge amount of responsibilities! How can you deal with these big responsibilities when you haven’t had the chance to deal with smaller ones first?

I rate women who juggle education, careers, home life, husband and kids, my respect goes out to them and i always believe if you put your mind to it you can do whatever you want with your life.

Some people will always have excuses about wanting to get married and one of them is i want to please my parents.......erm are you living your life for you or for your parents? In Asian society you have to respect you parents, which is fine, but i think it works both ways. I don’t think parents should put so much pressure on their kids to get married when they’re not mentally ready and for the sake of themselves.

There’s a word in Bengali ‘egoth’ and this word gets thrown around a lot. It means self respect, Asian parents would always say you have to always consider our self respect and what will people say if we have an unmarried woman at xxx age.

I have grown up not giving a s**t about what people think of me....they are not making me into who i am, so I'm going to get on with my life. I think Bengalis have so much time on their hands to talk about others, when really you should be looking after your own families.

Sometimes i have been classed as a modern woman but i guess i am, and I'm proud of that. Women of my mothers generation weren’t encouraged to study and i strived to go to university, live out, manage my own money and understand what being an adult actually means. I think without learning how to deal with responsibilities, you can’t really throw yourself into marriage. You have to really know yourself before committing your whole life to another person. Some elders are still living in the times where marriage is a priority for women and yes it is important but when you’re ready and also when it’s time.

Muslim parents forget that everything is already written for you, so i can’t do much to change it. My mother has been asking me incessantly do i never want to get married or when am i going to get married. I replied, please write Allah a letter, as he decides everything and then maybe he can tell you as i certainly can't. I feel as though she always forgets and puts this insane amount of pressure on me when its sort of out of my hands. Shall i just put an advert up on my car saying husband wanted, call to enquire!

For me, i think i am a bit hesitant of getting married, because i want to make sure I’m with the right person, and i don’t want to settle for anyone. I want to have a spouse that brings out the best in me and makes me a better person. I want us to bring out the strengths in each other. Marriage is a partnership and is a commitment not to be taken lightly. It is a huge step from going to your parents house, to your husbands house and both parties should know their expectations of one another.

For all those girls feeling the pressure of wanting to get married (myself included), put the pressure aside and focus on yourself. This is the only time where you can actually think of yourself and focus on what you want to do, whether its going to uni, getting a job or whatever. Make yourself into the best person you can possibly be, because you would want your other half to see the best of you.

The only advice i can really give is that things will happen when its meant to be, so enjoy the time that you have because once your married, things will change, as will your priorities. Whatever people say, take it with a pinch of salt....no one knows what is planned for you and i always believe the people who have waited the most or been patient for a very long time get rewarded the best gifts from Allah/God. 

Have sabr (patience) and understand that there is a plan for all of us and sometimes we may not see it at the time, but later on you will understand why things happened or didn’t happen and you’ll see the bigger picture.

And a note to elders – chill out with your kids because once they are married, things will change and they won't be your little kids anymore. Make the most of the time you have with them and enjoy it because those are the things you will be looking back on. When you’re children are ready to get married, as a parent you will sense when its time. Don’t push them into something that they aren’t ready for.

I apologise for such a long post but i wanted to get this off my chest and i hope that in some way i have helped!

Until next time! xXx

*all images courtesy of Google.

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