Todays post is a bit different to my normal beauty related posts, but it is something that i have been going through for many years and have a feeling there are girls in similar situations!
I think when we all get to a certain age, marriage and
babies seem to be a thing of the norm and it’s kinda like a domino effect, when
one gets married, everyone else does too! I'm going to be 29 in a few months and in the eyes of
Asians, I'm a very old person to get married!
Now times have changed from when our mothers and
grandmothers got married because in the 70’s and 80’s Asian women weren’t
really encouraged to study and pursue a career, more so you were taught skills
that will take you from your fathers house to your husbands house.
Nowadays a lot of women especially within the Asian
community are going to university, having careers and sometimes it isn’t a priority
to get married when you are very young.
For me being born and bred in this country, i have had
endless amounts of opportunities which i want to grab with both hands because
these are things that weren’t offered to our mothers or didn’t seem important
to them at the time.
People seem to forget that my priorities aren’t the same
as the previous generation and that being educated, getting a good job, travelling
and life experience will serve me well into my adult life. Yes, i know how to
cook and do all the domestic things but why is it seen as so important for
women to get married by a certain age?
I know that within the western culture, some women may
not feel the need to get married until they are into their 30’s. I have noticed
with Asians, as soon as you have finished a degree, you are expected to
possibly work for a little while and then get married. Do people not understand
that we can’t just make a husband appear out of no where?!
Of course i am feeling the pressure! When i was in my
early 20’s, i thought i would be married by maybe 25, and then have kids a
couple of years on but clearly that plan has gone out the window!
Women nowadays have to deal with so much pressure,
whether it's doing well at university, getting that dream job, then also finding
the ideal partner, so you can have your kids done and dusted by the time your in your 30's. It’s a lot of pressure to put on women!
I personally have faced so much pressure because one by
one you see your cousins, friends, etc, all getting married and starting
families. Sometimes you feel as if you are frozen in time because things
haven’t progressed. I have learnt after so many years that progression comes in
different forms. As some of you may know i took a year out and went travelling
around Asia and central America and then also spent a year living in Argentina
and Spain. These were experiences i will never forget and sometimes i look
back and think, if i had been married, i never would have had the chance to do
that.
These past experiences have made me the woman i am today
because i learnt so much about myself. I had to adapt to my surroundings and
learn how to live within a new culture and society.
I am not disrespecting any woman who is married or got
married at an early stage because that is your individual choice. I feel
that for the women out there who aren’t married and regardless of what age they are, the pressures we face are undeniable.
The funny thing is the most amount of pressure we get is
from close family members and i find myself putting that pressure on me. Everywhere i go people would always comment why i’m not married and again you’re
made to feel bad for something that you’re not at fault for?
To the elders out there, stop putting pressure on your
children regardless of what age they are! They have enough to deal with, as
things have changed since your time.
There is no right or wrong age to get married and me
being an Asian and being Muslim, sometimes i feel as though elders use that as
a sort of excuse. Is there a rule that says you have to be wed by your 25
th
birthday?!
I think what elders forget is that life itself has
changed....us women want to have careers and no offence, it wasn’t number 1 on
my list to get married........marriage comes with a huge amount of
responsibilities! How can you deal with these big responsibilities when you
haven’t had the chance to deal with smaller ones first?
I rate women who juggle education, careers, home life,
husband and kids, my respect goes out to them and i always believe if you put
your mind to it you can do whatever you want with your life.
Some people will always have excuses about wanting to get
married and one of them is i want to please my parents.......erm are you living
your life for you or for your parents? In Asian society you have to respect you
parents, which is fine, but i think it works both ways. I don’t think parents
should put so much pressure on their kids to get married when they’re not
mentally ready and for the sake of themselves.
There’s a word in Bengali ‘egoth’ and this word gets
thrown around a lot. It means self respect, Asian parents would always say you
have to always consider our self respect and what will people say if we have an
unmarried woman at xxx age.
I have grown up not giving a s**t about what people think
of me....they are not making me into who i am, so I'm going to get on with my
life. I think Bengalis have so much time on their hands to talk about others,
when really you should be looking after your own families.
Sometimes i have been classed as a modern woman but i
guess i am, and I'm proud of that. Women of my mothers generation weren’t
encouraged to study and i strived to go to university, live out, manage my own
money and understand what being an adult actually means. I think without
learning how to deal with responsibilities, you can’t really throw yourself into
marriage. You have to really know yourself before committing your whole life to
another person. Some elders are still living in the times where marriage
is a priority for women and yes it is important but when you’re ready and also
when it’s time.
Muslim parents forget that everything is already written
for you, so i can’t do much to change it. My mother has been asking me incessantly
do i never want to get married or when am i going to get married. I replied,
please write Allah a letter, as he decides everything and then maybe he can
tell you as i certainly can't. I feel as though she always forgets and puts this
insane amount of pressure on me when its sort of out of my hands. Shall i just
put an advert up on my car saying husband wanted, call to enquire!
For me, i think i am a bit hesitant of getting married,
because i want to make sure I’m with the right person, and i don’t want to settle for anyone. I
want to have a spouse that brings out the best in me and makes me a better
person. I want us to bring out the strengths in each other. Marriage is a
partnership and is a commitment not to be taken lightly. It is a huge step from
going to your parents house, to your husbands house and both parties should
know their expectations of one another.
For all those girls feeling the pressure of wanting to
get married (myself included), put the pressure aside and focus on yourself.
This is the only time where you can actually think of yourself and focus on
what you want to do, whether its going to uni, getting a job or whatever. Make
yourself into the best person you can possibly be, because you would want your
other half to see the best of you.
The only advice i can really give is that things will
happen when its meant to be, so enjoy the time that you have because once your
married, things will change, as will your priorities. Whatever people say, take
it with a pinch of salt....no one knows what is planned for you and i always
believe the people who have waited the most or been patient for a very long
time get rewarded the best gifts from Allah/God.
Have sabr (patience) and
understand that there is a plan for all of us and sometimes we may not see it
at the time, but later on you will understand why things happened or didn’t
happen and you’ll see the bigger picture.
And a note to elders – chill out with your kids because
once they are married, things will change and they won't be your little kids
anymore. Make the most of the time you have with them and enjoy it because
those are the things you will be looking back on. When you’re children are
ready to get married, as a parent you will sense when its time. Don’t push them
into something that they aren’t ready for.
I apologise for such a long post but i wanted to get this off my chest and i hope that in some way i have helped!
Until next time! xXx
*all images courtesy of Google.
